Living with anxiety sucks.

Living with anxiety is like living with a major leak and just using duck tape to fix it.  You never know when one day it's just all going to explode. Sometimes it will come in waves. Just like the ocean, where the tides will slowly come and go. You know exactly your triggers and how to move through it calmly. Yet other times its like a tiny paddle boat in the middle of a storm, it kills you. It will hit you like someone dropped one of those cartoon piano on you. Breathe in through your nose, and out of your mouth they say. You would think that would be easy right? Something that everyone does. But living with that monkey on your back is not that easy. Most days I can't even remember what normal breathing looks like. Most of the time I spiral into this black hole that I then begin to dig my way down deeper. Living with anxiety sucks.

You know me God

This pain you are feeling, it is real. You're are not crazy.

One lonely night numbness took over my body, to the point of me not caring how I physically felt. Just as long as my mind was gone. I ate one, then more, and more and more. Those edibles started to take a change in my body. I couldn't stop shaking, twitching all over my body. I couldn't close my eyes, because they wouldn't stop shifting. Searching around for something, but nothing was there. My mind was projecting out my past as hallucinations. My chest hurt so bad that I begin to pound at it, trying to relieve pressure. Then my body began to convulse. As much as I forced myself, I couldn't breathe. It was all starting to slip away from me. I kept blacking out, them coming back. I was cold, scared, and giving up was standing there as an open door. "Why keep fighting, when you're the one who did this in the first place?" "This physical pain will never cease, just let go now." “You wanted control? Well now you have none.”

That night of October 6th 2015. I closed my eyes letting go of that fight, but God had much bigger plans.

As I was in safety, God begin to push against my heart. "My sweet daughter, I allowed you to collapse in order for you to understand. You have to give me everything in order to truly follow. You can't just give me a little piece. You have to give me COMPLETE control. Then when you do, I will give you your heart desires. I will give you unending peace, love, and comfort. Trust me dear daughter."

Hallelujah that he makes things all new. There is nothing I can do to earn God's love. Even when I am a stubborn ass and demand things my own way, He is still there. He gives me His peace even when I do not deserve it. In those times that my chest starts to grow weary. I begin to call out to my one true Love. Even when I do mess up (I'm human) He comes around me like a soft warm blanket. I find my Peace in him.

I am more than enough.

I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough. These are the thoughts that race around my mind as he is walking out the door. The the things I could have, should have done are spilling off my tongue as I'm begging him to stay. Its not enough, nothing is enough, I'm not enough, he's done. This isn't instant heart break and I think that's what killed me the most.. I saw it coming a mile away. The way his eyes shifted, hands held tightly in his lap, his tongue licking his lips with the words that were about to spill out.  Here I am at my knees, this pain hurts but I know it will pass. God is here with me with his unending peace, covering over my broken up heart. Whispering in my ear over and over again. "You are more than enough for me. Come in closer and I will show you my love. Breathe in these words as I bring forth this truth. There is nothing you can do to make me change my mind on how much I love you. Not only love you but adore every little detail about you. There is nothing you can say that would ever make me love you less." So as I close up this letter I want to not only remind you but myself. At your knees, begging Him to take this pain away, he is right beside you.

Do not forget who loves you dearest and first. Who knows your hearts desire and wipes every tear with peace. 

Where things might linger.

Watch me climb my mountain, concurring every struggle. All my fears seem to seise, I won't let pain get in my way. I won't let my mind slip when you try to control me. Watch me as I begin to bust open every door, every obstacle I fly over. I can't help but laugh at all the lies that were being yelled in my ears for to long, Gods love is dripping from my very being. No compromises are going to be made, this is a war I'm going to win. Watch me as I begin to follow my first love passionately. I'm up on this mountain now, looking down below. There is this darkness that lingers still, but I will never let it control me. Affliction will not rise up his head a second time, I won't keep quiet. This battlefield is filthy, sin splattered all across the board. Yet my hands are washed clean, my conscience is wiped away, every web in my dusty closet is blown away. The ghosts that linger under my bed aren't there anymore. Sin does not define me. Sin will not control me.

As time goes on. A year later.

Break ups suck but that's just an under statement saying that. Feeling like all the rocks that were stable underneath me an hour ago, are crashing down all around, The sense of abandonment. Falling on every part of my body, not being able to hid for cover. Buried underneath all the rubble, thoughts begin to consumed. Why wasn't I enough to stay? Am I not good enough? How could I have handled that differently? What more could I have said so that he would have stayed? Will he be okay? Why can't I breathe? and the biggest doubt... I thought he loved me? I'm shattered into a million pieces, from the one I thought would always have my back. My mind is like an sinister record player that is on constant replay of him, it's a tsunami of emotions. Those freckles that scatter down his back. The glisten in his eyes when he talks about his sister. Times I would see him clench his fist, knowing he is battling a bad memory of his dad deep inside. Overwhelmed about a situation, casually slipping his hand across his mouth, not realizing that always made me weak in the knees. Listening to him sing, even if it was off tune, it always made me smile. A caual slip of his hand into mine, always warm and inviting. When my temper would get the best of me, he seemed to always know just a simple kiss would calm me down. Always fall asleep in his arms, hearing the soft beat of his lively heart. Knowing that I was safe and warm. Little did I know it would all be ripped away within a split second. Little did I know that, that disire would disappear from his eyes. It was so easy for him to throw me out, like a day old garbage. 

Living each day to the next.

I'm beginning to suffocate, I can feel the blood start to pulse through my body, its all starting to obviate. With the world spinning beneath my feet, I'm constantly preparing myself for the next thing to do, something that just keeps me complete. Palpitating heart, Trembling hands, my vision starts to fall apart. I plan each day to live for the next, when something falls through, I start to question every little thing. I'm crumbling, I've cut deep into my foundations, tumbling.

Addicted to sadness

It makes me sick, the way sadness is addicting. The way I can't stop, sadness is familiar. It's comfortable and easy in a sense that it comes naturally to me, but everything else about it is hard. The way my body aches with self hatred. The way my mind spins and spins with hopeless thoughts. The way it poisons everything I do, every relationship I have. Yet it's addicting, because I know sadness, and I know it very well. And there's sort of a comfort in that, like being home after a long trip or sleeping in your own bed after being away. There's just this sense that this is where I belong, this is how it's suppose to be.