You know me God

This pain you are feeling, it is real. You're are not crazy.

One lonely night numbness took over my body, to the point of me not caring how I physically felt. Just as long as my mind was gone. I ate one, then more, and more and more. Those edibles started to take a change in my body. I couldn't stop shaking, twitching all over my body. I couldn't close my eyes, because they wouldn't stop shifting. Searching around for something, but nothing was there. My mind was projecting out my past as hallucinations. My chest hurt so bad that I begin to pound at it, trying to relieve pressure. Then my body began to convulse. As much as I forced myself, I couldn't breathe. It was all starting to slip away from me. I kept blacking out, them coming back. I was cold, scared, and giving up was standing there as an open door. "Why keep fighting, when you're the one who did this in the first place?" "This physical pain will never cease, just let go now." “You wanted control? Well now you have none.”

That night of October 6th 2015. I closed my eyes letting go of that fight, but God had much bigger plans.

As I was in safety, God begin to push against my heart. "My sweet daughter, I allowed you to collapse in order for you to understand. You have to give me everything in order to truly follow. You can't just give me a little piece. You have to give me COMPLETE control. Then when you do, I will give you your heart desires. I will give you unending peace, love, and comfort. Trust me dear daughter."

Hallelujah that he makes things all new. There is nothing I can do to earn God's love. Even when I am a stubborn ass and demand things my own way, He is still there. He gives me His peace even when I do not deserve it. In those times that my chest starts to grow weary. I begin to call out to my one true Love. Even when I do mess up (I'm human) He comes around me like a soft warm blanket. I find my Peace in him.